Will the Real Leigh Hershkovich Please Stand Up
It’s been a whirl wind kind of a week. I flew to California to visit my family, and while I was away, major things took over that were out of my control (but, as I’ve said before, nothing is here in the control of us mere humans). I’ve had a lot to look forward to in the past six months, and suddenly, the most important of all those expectations (key word) is behind me. Poof, I’m published. (To quote the always crude yet charming John Mayer: By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone). I’m a published author. My novel is out in the world, and there is nothing more I can do. Well, nothing I can do in regards to the book itself, but the race truly begins now…. With all of these things happening to me, I’ve caught myself asking on more than one occasion over the past week: WHOSE LIFE IS THIS??
This is not my life. Is it? With everything that has happened in regards to the book, I have had to take a step back and examine everything from an outsiders perspective. So, this is my life now, this is what I am faced with. There can be no ‘now what’ because the release of the book has started a snowball effect of things that I must try to embrace. And, on top of all of that, I have made several attempts to stay in the present and enjoy what is happening to me, without focusing on what’s coming next. This afternoon, I had a very heated conversation with my dear sister. I sped off into a rant about everything that has happened, is happening and could potentially happen in the next week. She mentioned to me after I finished the rant, that I should be enjoying the process, not fighting it. This is the most important event of my life, something I have been waiting for for what seems like forever. I should be enjoying it. If only I weren’t so stressed out…
As a way of riding out the ‘now what’ wave, I’ve tried to keep myself busy throughout the day (what ends up happening is that I refresh Facebook, Twitter and Amazon every thirty seconds. I have a problem and I’m willing to admit it. They said that admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting help….We’ll see about that). I’ve been focusing on doing extra yoga and staying away from social media (as much as that sounds like a fib, it’s actually true). Life post release has definitely had it’s share of interesting experiences, and that’s only five days into this lifestyle.
In the rush of everything that has happened, I have had to continuously remind myself that although this is my life right now, this may not be me. Although this book is an embodiment of my hard work and energy, and although I continue to pour more energy into the (G-d Willing) success of my book, it is not who I am. How is it possible that in such a short amount of time, I could already begin to lose myself in the rushing current of the present?
I’m taking a step back and examining my life. This is my life, this is my passion, but it is not necessarily about me. It’s about so many other factors that are out of my control. The success or failure of this project can only be made by me to a certain degree, and, it looks like that degree may be gone. I can only do so much. This is the real me. Perhaps the book release really has changed me much more than I expected it to. One thing’s for sure: If I allow myself to get swept up in whatever happens with Shattered Illusions from here on out, I am in big trouble. Huge trouble. I don’t know how I am going to avoid getting carried away, but I’ll definitely push myself to try.
And that is all I have to say about that….for now anyways…
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