It’s (Not) the End of the World After All

Life is a funny, funny thing. Not the ‘ha-ha’ kind of funny, but an odd kind of funny. The kind of funny that you know exists, yet you can’t place your finger on. You know it’s there, and when the funny strikes, you feel it, but you can’t categorize it. It’s almost a feeling of melancholy, fixed with a tickle in your stomach and an odd loss of balance. This feeling catches you when you least expect it. Sometimes it’s better that way, sometimes it may feel like a curse. Regardless, once it passes, you feel different. You may even look different, though not to the naked eye. It may takes days or even months until you recognize the change within yourself, however apparent it may seem. One thing’s for sure: Once this funny thing strikes, you will never be the same.

On Friday, a week earlier than expected, Shattered Illusions made it’s debut. I received a Facebook message from a follower, telling me that she had ordered a copy of the book for her husbands birthday. I thought she must have been mistaken, since my publisher had not yet announced the release. I timidly checked Amazon, my heart racing beyond control. Low and behold: Amazon had released the title a week early. There were so many other things happening on Friday, big, potentially life changing things (to be announced all in due time), that once I was made aware of the fact that my book, was in fact, out in the world and ready for purchase, I almost shrugged it off. I have never felt so calm in my entire life. My brain kind of just accepted the fact. OK. I am a published author…..Where’s the Apocalypse I was expecting?

The oddest thing was that the earth didn’t suddenly open up and swallow me whole. I’m still here. I’m still human. I still have a life to live, things to do, people to see, a person to become. The world hasn’t ended for me. It’s beautiful and it’s also scary. A year ago, an early release would have sent me spiraling into a state of panic.I feel content. I feel whole, and safe, which is, quite frankly, the opposite of how I expected to feel. My baby is out there in the world. I no longer have control over what happens to it or where it goes from here (the true question is whether or not I ever really had control over it…). But, I am okay. There are many things to look forward to from here: The release of the e-book as well as the book launch party are scheduled for the upcoming weeks, which means that I will probably be busier than I thought I would be post release. The most incredible revelation in all of this is that, I can continue to be whole and very, very human although the book is no longer a ‘part’ of me. It’s the greatest blessing, and a tiny bit of a curse.

The most important gift and greatest lesson I learned throughout all of this is that happiness is made internally, not externally. Happiness is not what the world cultivates for you, it is what you cultivate for yourself. Happiness is self made. If you are not happy with yourself, nothing else will make you happy. Perhaps you will be entertained or temporarily pleased with life, but that is far from true happiness. It took me three years of writing and publishing Shattered Illusions to come to this realization. That is not to say that the road from here will be any easier, or that I will not have to work hard to make this idea stick with me from day to day, but I am getting there. I am a published author. I am proud to be a published author, I am proud to share my love and my talent with the world. But, it does not create or make my happiness. I make my happiness. The world didn’t end…it’s only just beginning.


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