The Door was Closed… So I Climbed in Through the Window

There comes a time in a person’s life where they must learn to let go and move on.
People must leave behind their pasts and seek comfort in the present and the future.
However, as you very well know, I am not one of those people.
And there has never been a better time for me to be nostalgic than right now.
San Francisco
Rabbi Langer’s office
Saturday Night
2:22am
The house is silent, except for my typing of course, and the occassional sleep walkers coming through the kicthen for a drink.
This apartment has become my home over the past two weeks… the thought of leaving in a few short hours is almost impossible…
I spent 2 amazing weeks here with my family for pesach.
This is the longest time I’ve been here since we moved to Southern Cali 3 years ago.
Everytime we come, I put myself in the mind set of coming “to remember why I left”, but that is never the case.
I always remember why I hated leaving…and every time our van pulls away from the curb and onto the busy street, I can’t help but think that I am leaving home once more, and returning to being a stranger in a strange land.
The two weeks that we’ve spent here have changed me in so many ways.
When we arrived, I didn’t really expect anything, only to spend time with the people that I love.
I got so much more than that.
I gained my colors back.
I forgot what it is like to have people care about me
to have people smile when I walk into a room in the morning
I forgot that people actually what to hear what I have to say
And that maybe ( and that’s a big maybe) I am not as invisble as I think I am.
I got the chance to come back and start over.
Most of the people who were here over yom tov remember me as this small adult, a preteen with the mouth of a 25 year old…and a temper of a bitter old woman.
I was the drama queen, the queen bee, and the social butterfly.
I decided when we moved that I no longer wanted to be many of those things, a decision I am happy with, but on the other hand deeply regret.
In Huntington Beach, I am the book worm, the OCD pianist, the teachers pet…the small, shy, fragile girl who only speaks when spoken to, and who does not dare to step out of her small circle.
People there do not know me for who I am, but for who I have become.
Although I very much enjoy the fact that my drama days have mellowed out… I miss being loud, and spontaneous…I miss being important, and cared for.
I came back here last week with a much more mature state of mind…and I was grandly rewarded.
It wasn’t even that we did much, because we really didn’t. The weather was amazing, the company was spectacular, the food ( who ever said that pesach food is awful should come spend some time up here!) was incredible…everything was perfect.
Time was very well spent over the past two weeks… if we were cooking, or playing basketball in the park ( yes, I actually made one basket…) or just sitting around the apartment and talking with anyone who was around… I felt like MYSELF for the first time in 3 years.
Now
Standing in the door way of my temporary bed room is making me cry.
3 years ago this summer
Standing in the door way of our house
A house is not a home
the timing almost mirrors one another
the postion that I am faced with…the task at hand. To get up and leave again.
I am not ready to face reality just yet.
Tomorrow, I return to being an over acheiving AP student, a pianist, an invisible being… A small fish in a massive ocean.
I’m going back to being less than important. What a delite.
All I can do right now is hold onto to the amazing feelings of the past 2 weeks, and take them back with me, so that they can give me strength to continue.
One of my dearest friends pointed out something very true to me….
I am a shlucha where ever I go, be it San Francisco, or Huntington Beach. No matter where I am, I have a mission. And right now, G-D intended me to be a shlucha in Orange County.
So, I have my mission cut out for me. Finish High School. Mekarev the girls in my school (although that Letter from the Rebbe still lingers in my head, I keep feeling like I am not fulfilling what was written), have a little fun in between.
This is my life now, and I have to go face it with arms wide open, with a massive smile on my face.
If theres one thing I learned in my 14 years here, and then now in my recent trip, it’s that you must do everything with a smile. We have a job to do, and there is no better way to do it than with a smile.
So, this is me, accepting my task at hand.
From SF back to HB.
It’s all good.
I’ll be fine.
L’Chaim to ups and downs, backwards and forwards motion… to holding on tight when times get a bit bumpy, and to thanking the one above when the walk is nice and easy.

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