My Latest Soul Search

“Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that’s when our vision clears. That’s when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It’s all a matter of perspective.”

Once again
I have made the same mistake that I have made time and time again
I let those fallen parts get to me… if they let go, then they obviously weren’t meant to be a part of my life.
I let my gaurd down
I trusted
I loved
I listened
and became part of the “it” crowd
I put time and effort into a relationship
and here I am
And angry
because I made the same mistake I always make
Great…just great!
I can thin of a few reasons why this is happening… over the couse of the past year or so, my friends seem to just walk off.
They get bored very easily. They have nothing to relate to when it comes to me. While they’re all out drinking, smoking and doing G-D knows what else, I’m learning something new, something inspiring and wonderful, But.. I don’t seem to be much fun to them. I used to think they were right, that maybe I AM a boring person because I don’t talk to guys and because I spend my days learning Chassidus or studying for AP’s. But… I don’t think they’re right anymore. Because in the end, who will be on top?
I should be mad at the other side, but right now, I am pretty pissed at myself instead. I know myself well enough ( at least one would think so…) to not put myself in the same hurtful situations.
Nope. I still ended up hurting myself.
Everyone keeps telling me that life gets easier as you get older…right now, I don’t really believe that.
I feel like if I had SOMETHING else to be a part of, something else to live for, then I wouldn’t go running off to befriend girls who live in soap operas… Maybe if I was in a frumer school…well maybe not. My friends at Bais Rivkah aren’t really that much better than the girls who I hang out with here.
I feel like if I would have made a few different decisions, things would be easier.
I choose them because there is NO ONE else… but they don’t get me either.
And when it comes down to it, they all leave because I’m too frum for them, or because I don’t have enough experience like they do…well excuse me for not screwing myself over!

So, I am trying to find my way again… theres nothing wrong with who I am, and I just have to continue convincing myself that the path that I am taking is the right now. I am going in the right direction. And ending these crazy situations is better, because at least now I know I’m safe from walking right off a cliff.
So.. I think I found the silver lining (?)