Having to Define Myself is a Lot Harder Than I Thought
So, here I am, just going on with my life, everything is all nice and dandy.
These past few weeks have been extremely motivating and uplifting and I feel like I’ve good decisions that will help improve
AND THEN on Friday, everything sort of crashed, and although I’ve already picked up and moved on from that weird bit of chaos, I am being forced to decide what I want.
For the first time in my life, I really feel like I’m making the decisons, IT’S MY CHOICE.
I don’t know what to do.
I have become co-dependent on my parents, my teachers and my friends and now that I have the freedom to make my own choices… I’m stuck. There are a lot of things I’m going to decide on here, all by myself, because these are things that others cannot influence me in. No one can choose my happiness for me, I have to do that myself.
But, lets back up just a bit.
Earlier in the week, I realized that I need to let go of ALOT before I can move anywhere.
My “friends” have played a few tricks on me which have caused me to pack up and relocate. I don’t like feeling like a parasite.
If I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me, I won’t even ask them, I’ll just get up and move… although that has always been one of my weaknesses, it actually came to my advantage this time around. And I felt like maybe relocating was better, because why should I hang around people who feel OBLIGATED to spend time to me or write to me. Honestly,if someone wants nothing to do with me, I get it… but to play along and make me think myself important is another story…
Now, later in the week, we had a very theraputic class session with our navi teacher about what we want to do when we get out of high school. And when it came to me, I couldn’t answer. I’ve always been very firm in my answer: I want to major in Journalism and possibly become a writer, and maybe as a minor, I’d study human behavior. But… all of a sudden it all sounded so silly to me. Journalism? Writing? Human Behavior? huh? And I didn’t know how to answer. All of a sudden… I’m not so sure.
And then this morning, all of these random questions started popping up from my parents and teachers:
Do you want to take your SATS?
Are you planning on going to College?
What do you want to do after high school?
Would you prefer to get married right out of seminary?
I have always had people decide these things for me, or at last they’ve geatly influenced my decisions.
But I’M the one deciding which college I want to go to IF I go to college. I’m the one who’s going to decide when and who I’m going to marry. I’M going to decide my career.
I’m not so sure I want to grow up anymore.
It all looks so much scarier than I thought.
I am back to the path of insanity, with questions unanswered and endless fears hiding under my bed.
I’m not sure I know where to go…