Life is a maze… and I am stuck on the easiest part…

Ask a stupid question
And you get a stupid answer.

She asked me if I had loved
And I said no
because that was the truth
How could one love so deeply at such an age?
It’s an unlikely and unbelievable feeling

Sitting on the floor by the bathroom
Simchas Torah 2008
I wish you wouldn’t have showed you’re face…. and I wish I wouldn’t have paid so much attention to you either


And she asks me…
Did you love?
HOW could you even have the guts to ask a question like that?
I was a little kid
A stupid, naive child
Not like I’m any better now… but I have grown up
I know how to make the right choice now
I know how to stop myself from falling
And I can do it all in high heels too
So there

The truth is, is that seeing you didn’t hurt so badly
There is nothing to feel pain about
I have been dragging this on for way way WAY too long
It’s about time I stop wishing you would say “I’m sorry”
And go on with my life
I would like to go with my life
I’m 16 years old for crying out loud
I am a high school junior, and here I am, still pissed as hell because I wish you weren’t so gosh darn happy
It’s been so many years
and I still hate you
I still wish you would fall on your face and cry to me about how sorry you are
(Yes I know I’m being extremely dramatic… 🙂 )

I’ve made a big deal about this for no reason
I should be done, over it, moved on, happy, not thinking about it
Not like thinking about you is the basis of my life… I have a life ya know
Just, sometimes when I sit and think about the past, it hurts
I wish there was some way for me to erase you from my mind
I know that people say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
So, yeah maybe I’m stronger
but it’s awfull to continue going back to that time in my life and wishing I could have seen the way out sooner.
I was so stupid
WHY am I still here, pissed at you… I should be mad at myself for not stopping this craziness
I should be mad at myself for wishing you would fall off the face of the earth
I shouldn’t wish you pain
I should wish you clarity in your life, to do the right thing
and not to hurt people the way you hurt me

But when she asked me if I had loved…. something inside of my popped
I wanted to scream at her
HOW COULD I LOVE at such a young age?
Are you out of your mind???
And that’s when I realized
that really
this shouldn’t mean anything to me
This is all bull
It was all fake… it wasn’t real… so why go on hating someone who isn’t actually there?

So it’s time to FINALLY turn out the lights on memory lane
I’m closing the theme park
I am picking myself up, brushing off the crumbs and walking forward
And leaving the past in it’s place

L’Chaim to figuring out a way out of this maze… later than sooner in this case, but as soon as possible