The Upside of a Shattered Dream

I seem to be having an identity crisis.
Who am I?
What is my goal?
What am I good at?
Have I achieved anything in the past 16 years worth mentioning?
Am I just going in circles ( probably…)?

As a passionate writer and avid reader, my goal this year was to convince Mr.Franks to put me in his AP Literature class for my Junior year ( Next year.) I have spent the entire year dreaming of becoming an “AP girl.”
My entire life, I have always wanted to be “smart.” I put smart in quotations, because really, what does “smart” mean anyway?
I wanted to be one of those brainy, genious kids ( as geeky as it sounds, I actually dreamed of being a smartie rather than a popular girl, because I knew I had the potential to prove myself.) with the high grades.. The Harvad bound student… I wish.
I knew I was shooting a bit too far with the whole Ivy League dream, Harvard and Yale aren’t anywhere within my reach and will not be any time soon, it was just nice to dream.
I have always been a book worm, and one of those nerdy people that carries a journal with them EVERYWHERE to record EVERY minute by minute detail of my life, in hopes to one day look back on myself and get satisfaction on who I was.
Getting into AP didn’t seem so far fetched to me, as I have always had a solid A in English ( until this year, when my grade surprisingly dropped to a “B’…GASP!), I have always been the girl at the front of the glass room, pen ready and hand constantly raised to ask a question or add a comment.
Mr.Franks said my writing is “not developed enough.” That hurt, but I still thought I could change his mind. He said I had to take a writing course at a community college in order to get into AP next year.That was in March.
It’s June now.
On Friday, I had a meeting with my Vice Principal to discuss schedule and plans for Junior Year. I figured it was the perfect chance to ask her about AP. I figured since I had one teacher on my side ( Mr.Rooten said that he would be glad to have me join his AP History class… at least one teacher believes in me.) if I could get Coach ( as we call her) to agree with me, I was set. There are plenty of girls that Mr.Franks had already picked to be in AP without giving them the same hussle and struggle that he’s been giving me, even though I think I have the same amount of strength in writing as they do.

To put in blunty, the meeting with coach did not go well.
Basically, I sat in her office for 20 minutes listening to her talk to me about SATs, college, life choices, etc, etc…
when I brought up AP, her face turned sour. “You? In AP?”
Very nicely, without trying to squash me like a bug, told met that I am not smart enough for AP.

When I left her office, I went into the MPR where the entire high school was enjoying an “end of the year breakfast”, went straight to my chair, and cried on my friends lap for 20 mintues. I was absolutely miserable.
After the breakfast, we had a free period. During that time, I spoke with two of my friends, one who was in AP this year.
It’s like this: AP or your social life… you can’t have both.
11 other classes, extra credits, SATS, college prep, seminary interviews ( apparently, now you have to do those two years in advance…who knew?) PLUS home life, new family members, social events, parties, writing for fun, reading for fun, enjoying my life… which one would a rather have?
A very good friend of my mine put it to me this way: I’ll probably end up learning a lot more in life by NOT being in AP next year.
I never thought about it that way.
I may actually become a better writer due to the fact that I WON’T be in AP next year…

If so, then WHAT was up with the whole “big dream” thing? Where did that come from…

I wonder….