Domino Effect Set Off Late In The Game

I feel like I’ve just been trampled over my a million animals.
I look as though I have just witnessed pure insanity.
My mind says left
my heart says right.
Once again, here I am… a crossroads.
It’s funny how life works
My whole life was spent try to make other people happy, my parents, my friends
I set up great expectations that they didn’t even have, but that I wanted them to have for me.
Over the past few weeks I learnt something
That was really stupid of me.
All the trying to make people smile, the whole “walk all over me like a throw rug as long as you’re happy in the end” kind of them. It really didn’t ever work…but I really wanted it to.

I look at people who have beautiful, happy, healthy relationships with the people around them. With their parents, with their friends, coworkers, teachers, etc… I envy them all. For once in my life I’d like to say “hey… I got just want I wanted…to be exactly like them!” But to be like “them” is contradicting the whole idea of becoming a strong individual, which of course is an argument for another time,

Today, the harshest reality hit me in the face like an 18 wheeler
HONK HONK HONK
I feel like I’ve been plastered onto a highway… PLEASE don’t let the oncoming traffic hit me too, I’ve had enough for one day.
I’ve never seen that anger, that rage, those eyes flaring like a forest fire.
I’m the killer
I’m the monster
I am the destroyer.
And all for a stupid misunderstanding did this all come about.
Boom. Like clockwork.
Every event hitting precisely the right notes… what a wonderful masterpiece I have created.
The reality of the domino effect is that it never really ends. Something that happened years ago set off a chain that didn’t even have the slightest effect on the world until right now.
And there I was, a frightened little girl in the body of a 16 year old
Scared
Cold
Was I even alive?
Did I really feel it, or was it all just an allusion?
And there I was, back in my room
a small 3 year old
crying
scared
wondering why
I felt like a child again today: scared, cold, small.
Is that how a child is meant to feel?

Sitting there today
Thinking
I know every moment in life sets off the events of the future and in the end it will all be good ( although I have seriously been thinking otherwise on the whole “it’s all good” thing…even though I say those three words at the end of practically every sentence, I am not sure if I actually MEAN them. Ah…I wonder) I can’t help feeling trapped and helpless… like a little bluebird with it’s wings clipped together.
Seeing those eyes
the words flowing
the thoughts thinking
the eyes glaring
the tears flowing
the screams shaking
the notes knowing
the lips moving
the heart pumping
boom boom boom
the rain falling
the sky shaking
the day ending
with one single word:
Good Night

…as my domino life continues to fall….

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