True Definition of a crossroads part 1

I have been sitting here and contemplating the very advanced thoughts that one must think when studying for an English test…. ” And Morgan Le Fey was his sister and blah blah blah…”
Sorry Mr.Franks, I’m not much in a studying mood right now.
I’ve been contemplating and questioning myself lately
Who am I?
What am I?
What defines me?
The events of the past 3 days have given me a chance to evaluate myself…
and I am a bit worried
Am I bad person for being honest?
Am I a traitor for wanting to be nice?
Am I bad person for liking who I am?
The true question is, is who gives themselves the right to define another?
And what right does that person have to define themself?
In our limited beings, it is hard to NOT define oneself
Smart, tall, graceful and shy
There
I just defined myself

I am trying to view myself a few years up the road…
In our Science class this week, we are coming up with a future lifestyle, incomes, budgets, etc.
Heres my story
Leigh Hershkovich- Married with 3 children ( you were only allowed to put up to three on the sheet)
An English Professor ( you pick the college, I didn’t want to make it sound too bold)
Husbands occupation: Journalist/Writer
Heres the catch: When I wrote Professor and Journalist instead of Rabbi and Rebbetzin, heads turned
“Why not a frum profession?”
“Why isn’t your husband a Rabbi?”
“Wouldn’t your sister have said something else?’ ( sorry Noi, but I was asked that)
” You aren’t serious… are you?”
Okay…. um… ouch.

And I know this was all make believe, it was just a project
but it got me thinking
Who is going to want to marry a frum girl who wants to teach at a college?
Who is going want to marry me, a frum girl who wants to go to college to study Literature?
Who is going to want to marry someone like me?
Who is going to want ME, the girl that dreams of Tuscany?
Who is going to want me as a wife, with my head always in a book?
I am at a crossroads
When I tell people that I want to go to college, they look at me funny
(Sitting at the table one shabbos night, a house full of people.Questions began to surface when it became known that I am a twin…When Noi said Shluchus and I said college and literature and Europe…. all of a sudden they gave me looks… the rebellious Baal Teshuvah…)
When I teach Chassidus to my classmates they think I’m a whacko
When I listen to the Beatles I’m going off the derech ( yeah according to some people, in 5 years I’ll be completely off the derech because I like the Beatles… )
But when I listen to niggunim I am the “sheltered frum girl”
When I love, I am a liar
when I fight I am a looser
so I ask you this:
WHERE is the truth of who I really am?
Am I to allow people to define who I am?
Who are THEY to define ME?

Who are YOU to tell me that I am bad or good?
Who are YOU to tell me that I am right or wrong for thinking this way?

And in a way…. society has made me feel like a bad person for my choices…
I am a Frum person, no less than anyone else…
But then why do I feel less than those around me?
Why do I feel like a bad person?

Tick tock…
Time tells me that I musn’t think too much…

“Life is change.Growth is optional.Choose Wisely:

“…blah blah blah and something happened to Guinevere and I am not exactly sure what…”

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