Tzama L’chol Nafshi
Tzama L’chol Nafshi
My soul thirsts for you…
For the few years that I have been religious, I could never quiet understand these words. I would sing the niggun all the time. And somehow, I never had that feeling of understand what it is like to have my soul thrist for Hashem. I never had that feeling.
My flesh longs for you…
Not only had I not experienced this feeling, but I also didn’t want it. How could I want something that I didn’t understand?
It was during a time in my life, where the other thing that we would thirst for, was shtus. ( I look back at myself, and I want to go back in time to hit myself with a stick for not understand these words sooner!)
In a land parched and weary, With no water…
Even though I really didn’t have a connection to the words, I had a connection to this line. I was in a parched and completely dry land. No water ( water being knowledge. My world was parched and dry from Chassidus and such)
Then, came 8th grade.
My soul began to thirst for knowledge.
In 8th grade, we were pulled out of the Hebrew Academy (BARUCH HASHEM!) and moved into Bais Menachem. At first, I looked at my life as some sick joke. I was put into a classroom (a shul) with my twin sister, and two other girls. I could hardly read hebrew ( or yiddush for that matter) and my knowledge Chassidus Wise did not exist.
In those 10 months, I grew. A lot. I began to thirst ENDLESSY. I did not know what can come over me. I was only thirsting for knowledge, for Tanya and Chitas, Sehos and Chumah. I wanted it so badly.
It came to a point where we could get into a fight with my teacher if she would skip a rashi.
My entire being began to long for closeness to Hashem.
And I got it!
In the 10 months that I spent in that classroom, I began to understand what Tzama L’chol Nafshi meant.
I began to thirst and long and want it so badly.
In the end, I came out on top.
So, I hadn’t graduated with 16 other kids, or from a big school.
So what if I didn’t learn U.S. History properly?
I quenched my thirst for knowledge.
I got what I wanted.
So too in the sanctuary
To have beheld you
And your glory…
I was taken out of a dry, cruel desert, and brought into a place where I could understand the might and glory of Hashem
Now, when I sing Tzama (which I do all the time, because it is my favorite nigun) I can understand and relate to the words, because it HAPPENED to me. They aren’t just words that I am reciting. Tzama L’chol Nafshi became my life. Thirsting and longing became a part of me.
What more can I ask for?