Is there something wrong with me?

Is there a doctor in the house?
I think there is something madly wrong with my mind.
The feeling that I kept inside of me for so long, was finally let out.
I knew this was going to happen, its happened so many times before.

I hate being this people pleaser
I hate having the chance to makes things right
and then throwing it away.

Tonight, I had the chance to make my point clear as day
And yet, i left it foggy and gray, and in the end, I left myself at blame

Is there something wrong with me?
I hate confrontation.
Because when I confront people, I end up feeling that everything was my fault and will continue to BE my fault.
When I stand up for myself, I feel like I am hurting people I love?
Why?
Why do I feel like this?
Like I do now.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
I should have just kept the lock on my lips

Have you ever been so annoyed or angry with someone, but you didnt want to confront this person because you didnt want to hurt their feelings?
And once you did confront them, and bash them with all of their faults, they bash you right back with yours. Ouch. I thought I could just get my point across without having to be bashed back. My bashed back hurts.

In the end, guilt takes over me, and I convince myself that something is wrong me with.
I was wrong.
They were right
I didnt have any right to yell or scream or shout and pout
I should have just kept my lips shut
They do so much for me
And all I do is be ungrateful.

I had the right to be upset didn’t I?
I had the right to tell them ” Hey you, I’m hurt.”
But it doesn’t help.
For some reason, I can’t win
My point stays at line A, never getting to line B
because I dont want to make the other person feel, the way that I feel.

But wait a minute!
It takes two to tango baby!
It’s not a one way street!
Stop. Pause. Rewind.
If I was at fault, isnt the the other persons too?

So, why am I getting mad at myself for doing the right thing?

Change

There is that word again
Change

Didn’t I just want change yesterday?
But this isn’t the change that I wanted.
Is it too late to return this and get something else?

My dead car in the middle of the freeway has shifted.
The engine started running, and I thought I would get to my destination.
BUT instead of going the way I wanted
The invisible Hands ( Also known as Hashem)
took over my steering wheel and took me to the nearest exit
I didn’t want to get off here!
I wanted to continue towards my goal!
Now, i have to go all the way back around and get stuck in Traffic
Boring traffic
and my radio still doesn’t work.

I didn’t want anything to change like this.
Security is good.
Having a secure place in my life, at this point in time, was good!
When there is change ( like the one that I have infront of me)
I have to get used to new things
New faces… same faces with different expressions… new expressions on the others.
You’d never think that my car would just go into auto mode and drive for me!

I dont want to be hated because I did the right thing. I dont want anger and fustration because I said what I had to say.
Why am I feeling guilty?
Is there something wrong with what I did?
Am I doubting my own actions?
Weren’t these actions put into my head by the One and Only?
Am I doubting the actions of the Holiest of the Holiest?
No way!
Its okay
I did the right thing.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I did what I had to do.
And whatever happens next, is all up to Hashem
Its all in His Hands
he has control of my steering wheel.

Maybe this traffic won’t be as boring as I truly expect it to be…

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